That Time I Went to a Party - Naked.

OK so I wasn't 100% naked, I wore a glitter-kini (as in, glitter over my nipples) and I had a floor length navy silk crepe skirt with a high thigh split going all the up my right leg (so sexy).

I know I promised this piece a long time ago... Honestly I needed space and time to really figure out why this particular party of self expression was so significant for me. A month of feeling it out, a bit of trial, a bit of error and multiple revelations later I have finally reached this conclusion... The difference between this party in comparison to all the other wild child extravaganzas I've attended is that for the first time, I was participating from a place of empowered expression, not a place of ego and dare I say... desperation. 

I've been telling myself that I've felt liberated in the past, that I've been to crazy sex parties and felt 100% confident, that I can express my sexuality freely... But that's a straight up lie! True, I've always been a rather wild and free kinda gal... but not always for the most empowering reasons. 

Pre-Laura-Ellen-awakening (can we find a cooler word for 'awakening' please? Suggestions welcome in my inbox), my sexuality was an expression of my need for validation and a pure distraction to keep me from dealing with myself. I needed sex to cover up the parts of me that I loathed. I used sex, men, shopping, food, alcohol, more sex and soooo much yang energy to plug those holes and not let the light shine into the cracks... Sex wasn't about sex, or pleasure, or magic, it was about me getting a hit of self worth. Without it, I was worthless.

Addict.

I felt ego when I could call on a lover and he would drop everything and come to me. I felt sexually powerful during the act, like I had all control, and then empty and self loathing AF when they left me alone on the floor crying.

Damn, that's hard to admit!

Needless to say, it's been a massive journey of wake up calls since that realisation. But what a milestone to finally attend one of 'those' parties and be doing it genuinely from a place of conscious self expression and love instead of fear and ego. 

While I haven't reached 100% sexually empowered warrior woman status yet, and I want to be real clear on that ladies! I'm not perfect and have all the hurdles to jump over too. But I have learn't a few things so far that I hope will inspire you as well. 

LOVE YOUR BODY, NOW

Accepting the way you look now! Self acceptance comes when actually accept yourself, flaws n' all! There is no "I will only be attractive when...", you don't need to do or change anything to be worthy because you already are, lady! YOU. RIGHT NOW. WORTHY. There is nothing stuck up, arrogant, slutty or shameful about loving the s*** out of your body. You can go ahead and hit UNSUBSCRIBE on that social conditioning button. It's OK to know that you're hot as fuck, own it.

because... come on... I look good!

Because, come on... I look good!

SELF EXPRESSION FROM A PLACE OF EMPOWERMENT

Being 'empowered' means you choose who, when and how you want to show up sexually because only you know what feels right for you. You choose how you want to express yourself from a place of love and self acceptance, knowing you are whole and complete and not ashamed to be who you are. I used to confuse empowered with having lots of sex. Now I know that being empowered is being fully in control of my self expression and being able to make conscious decisions based on what is truly in alignment with myself and wellbeing. 

LETTING YOURSELF BE SEEN

Anyone else here have a tiny 'thing' with vulnerability? Because I sure as hell do! But as I'm learning, being vulnerable is once again, all about self acceptance, even the parts that you don't like or carry shame around.  *as she purchases all of Brene Brown's books on Audible.


"Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen" ~ Brene Brown

 

Honestly, I haven't totally solved this puzzle yet. I think that's why it's taken me so long to write this post. It's something that's really present for me and where a lot of my focus is being appointed to. But I have come a hell of a long way. This party signalled the beginning of my journey of becoming a truly (god damn this word again) awakened woman who no longer needs to be extraverted out of insecurity, but because she is genuinely confident and in love with her body and wants to share it's capacity for pleasure and love.

My new mantra:

"I share my sexuality and feminine powers like a self loving goddess"

How juicy is that!?

Love xxx