This weekend my self worth was SERIOUSLY tested by my minds mean and obnoxious ways.
I was trying out a new cafe when two lovely ladies (who I see around all the time) walk in. Radiating beauty, warmth and love. You know when you meet someone and think " I want to be friends with THOSE people"? Yep, it was like that. Being an expat in a foreign city I did what anyone looking to make new heart centered connections would do; invite them to join me.
And then it started. The mind game's.
Here I was in this beautiful place, ordering beautiful food with beautiful company and I'm feeling out of place and unworthy of being there. Instead of being present and enjoying the moment, my mind was having a TOTAL field day. Shouting at me things like, your not cool enough to be friends with them, your not pretty enough, your not saying the right things, they will never like you, your not enlightened enough, your not yada -yada-yada enough. In the end my mind just told me to withdraw and said I goodbye, even though, deep down, I would love to get to know and hang out with these amazing chicks!
How mean my mind can be. Especially on a Saturday!
So often I hide from the things that I truly desire in my life. The feeling of not being ... enough is strong and the fear is real. The question is, how much longer am I going to give into these self imposed barricades? I can see what it is that I want. I can feel, it smell it, laugh with it. The only thing stopping me is my mean mind telling me I'm not... whatever... enough to have it.
So, what now? Here are the tools I used to pump up my self love muscles and go back out into the world saying "I got this" instead of "what a loser" (my old school protocol).
Mindfulness: having awareness is like owning a giant sunbeam torch to shine on all the dark nooks and crannies where this self doubt BS hangs out in. Once it's light, its no longer dark. Once we can see it, we can work on transforming it. I could see what was happening, I could see the tricks my mind was playing on me, cheeky lil devil! At the time I couldn't stop it in it's tracks but by acknowledging the mind games, they no longer have the power over me. Because they are just games games - not me.
Self-Compassion: if I was to beat myself up about this situation, then I would be surrendering to a double beating by my mind. Not today pal! Instead I'm giving myself and big self hug. Self hugs are are an amazing self love tool, especially when we do something 'silly' or kinda socially awkward (which I do ALL THE TIME). Just give yourself a self hug (physical or visual) and love yourself for all your quirky, awkward, weird and wonderful ways. I literally stand there and visualise me, giving myself a hug, a high five, whatever and saying "I love you and all your weirdness". Society tells us that self-critisism keeps us in line and being hard on ourselves is the way to be. But we know better than that, don't we! Self-compassion isn't self-indulgence. It's self love.
Gratitude: find the medicine in the situation. Sometimes its really hard to find the positive in these circumstances and on this ocassion I had to really dig deep in the medicine cabinet. But hey, I'm really grateful for the lesson I've learnt and the awareness it's brought me. I can see how strong my mean mind can be, it literally does burpees in my sleep! Again; once it's light, it's no longer dark. Next time, I'll have a whole knew set of karate move to bust out on this madness.
Have a lil medi: OK don't laugh, but I totally sat my ass down and did a quick meditation in the bathroom. Deep belly breaths and some heart opening visualisations and I'm practically good as new. Crazy? Yes! Dumb? No. It worked. Meditation isn't about sitting down in a candle lit room on a $200 medi cushion. It can be practised in so many ways and sometimes a deep breath and some visualisations is all you need to restore yourself.
This self love stuff doesn't always come easy, its a process and a practice, literally! But the more I go to the innercise gym and train my positive army the easier it gets to elevate above the army of my mean minds when it attacks. I didn't exactly win the battle this weekend but hey, I'm totally cool with it (another self hug!).
Peace, love, light, blessings and all that warm fuzzy stuff xx