It all started when...
I had a total and absolute breakdown. I smashed into a million pieces and was drowning under the all rocks that ever existed in that place called rock bottom. On the outside my life looked seemingly fabulous; I was travelling the world, having endless ‘fun’, about to move to the big Apple (NYC) to pursue my lifelong dream of being a fashionista. I was a young, ambitious, sexually liberated (that’s what I thought anyway) WOMAN with her whole life ahead of her. But on the inside, I was screaming and I very quickly spiralling out of control into a life of alcohol and compulsive, destructive sex.
Sure, everything was fine when I had men who ‘loved me’ (yet treated me like a doormat). Everything was fine after a bottle of wine (oh - that rhymed!), or if I had enough dates in a week validify my self worth, or if I had a party to go to on Saturday night, or if I had enough work to distract myself with. Everything was fine when I had all these external things to justify my existence, but it took a mere breath of wind to blow it all away leaving me standing there, butt naked, in all my glory of worthlessness and utter self disgust. Completely disconnected to myself, and simply lost.
The hardest part to admit, I had felt this way my whole, entire, life. It’s the only way I knew how to be - In a constant state of paralysing fear and loathing of myself.
Just over a year ago, I had reached total desperation point. I was begging for help left, right and centre, helplessly looking for something outside myself to save me. A therapist, a friend, one of my ‘lovers’, a new dress, 10 new dresses, chocolate cake ANYTHING and I continued flailing down this road of despair, giving my power away to the external and blaming others for not being able to fix me.
I remember feeling, just, so... Let down. My heart, swollen and sore, sank with disappointment every day. I felt abandoned and all the socially butterflying around the world couldn’t hide the fact that I was alone. I wanted to it to be over and for not the first, or the second, but the third time in my life - I eagerly welcomed death on myself. How does one forgive yourself for that? Still to this day I ask for forgiveness for being that hateful to myself. I wouldn’t treat my worst enemy the way I used to treat myself.
The most frustrating part of it all, was that I knew I could do something great in my life. I knew I was capable of loving and being loved, I knew I wanted create a life of joy and happiness, I knew I had the strength and the courage do something truly fulfilling with my time. There was a weak writhing flame of hope in my belly. But every time I would make a move and try to love, try to leave my minimum wage job, try start some kind of renew-you program, in my core I still believed that I was nothing and that I was worthless. And that’s exactly what always landed me straight back in square one - the pits.
I don’t know what happened to be honest, I guess you could say it was a miricle and it happened in a split second. All I can say is one day I just woke up and decided that I wasn’t going to live like that any more. I made a choice it’s as simple as that.
I remember I was sitting in the park on the one sunny day of the year in Amsterdam where I literally vomited onto the pages of my journal a fierce declaration to end this madness and that I would do everything and anything in my power to heal myself. I even messaged my best friend saying that I would become a priest if I had to! Funny, now I pray on an (almost) daily basis. I had no idea how I was going to it, all I knew was that it was now officially the number one priority in my life and I would stop at nothing, no matter what.
I had had enough, and finally figured out that I couldn't keep waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel and that I would have to light that deep dark vortex up myself.
As heart wrenchingly painful this time was for me, it sparked my passion and drive to do what I’m doing now and for that I am so eternally grateful that I could stand on the rooftop screaming “thank you!” to the stars for waking me the F*** up. And while I’m still a human, I have up’s and downs, challenges and insecurities, but it’s how I deal with them that has changed my life on an epic scale. Which leads me to…
Since my wake up moment, I have embarked on a FIERCE mission, dedicated to exploring, experimenting and embodying everything and absolutely anything to do with self love. I joined 12 step programs for addiction, I threw myself into the personal development world, I lived with tantric shamans and began learning how to love myself sexually, I stopped drinking, I started studying integrative nutrition and became a certified health coach and I focussed on healing myself physically, mentally and spiritually. And now, I’m here to share it all with you. Not only have I been able to turn my health and happiness around. I can honestly say with 100% confidence that I love myself, and continue to nurture this compassionate and blissful relationship with myself every day. Through embodying this foundation of love, I can move through life’s challenges still with feeling and emotion, but with control and a sense of ease. And while I’m still very much on the journey, I is my deep belief that if we all learn to cultivate this kind of loving relationship with ourselves only then are we able to go into the world as the healthiest, sexiest and happiest versions of ourselves.
As a coach and influencer, I am dedicated to helping others reach their highest health and happiness goals using food, thought, an open heart and a healthy dose of self love. It is my mission to explore, experience and embody the meaning of self love and bring you the very best what I'm learning along the way. I am fiercely passionate and my long-term goal is to help raise awareness, marry mental wellness with primary health care and change the way that we look at 'health'.
At the end of the day...
I'm a pretty normal human. I always burn the pot when I'm cooking rice, sometimes I accidentally mix my whites with my colour clothes wash and I often say socially awkward things to people at parties. I make mistakes! I have all the insecurities and I have all the fears. The difference now is how I manage these negativities and use them as positive catalysts in my life. And you know what, IM HAPPY. It's not a surface level smile, it's not a materialistic temporary feeling of joy that someone else gave me. It's deep sense of contentment, of knowing and connection to myself, it's a feeling of warm blissful love and softness. Having this as a foundation within myself has changed every single aspect of my life, my home, my health, my wealth and my relationships. I literally wake up every day saying thank you (instead of fuck you) and sometimes I could almost cry at how beautiful life can be. By adopting some of the practises I've picked up along the I know you can feel this amazing too. And that's all I'm here for beautiful, so thank you for reading my story and I look forward to inspiring and being inspired by you.